There comes a point in our lives when we have to stop fooling ourselves into thinking life’s going to be the way we want it to be, but rather start seeing things for how they really are.
You say that when you say you need to get something done, you do it and get it done. You tell me that you know how to prioritize. You also tell me that you don’t like being told what to do and I trust you that you know what’s best for you. You tell me that you’re never stressed about anything and maybe that’s where we’re different.
I’m constantly stressed now because this is the moment in my life that determines the rest of my life. However I like you beyond words can express. You always get upset when I say you don’t understand, but I really don’t think you understand the stress I’m going through right now or you wouldn’t be thinking all these negative things about me. I don’t think you realize how you act around me especially this past weekend. Like you said, we were supposed to study together, but we probably only studied a day’s worth, in the 3 days that we were together. Why is that? I truly hope you don’t think the reason why we only studied so little was all because of me.
On Friday evening, you explicitly told me that you wanted to go to Hollywood and let off some steam so you can focus fully on studying. I even asked you if we were going to be out all night because I wanted to start studying on Friday to get the most time out of studying. Though the moment I asked you, your tone and mood immediately changed into this.. negative wave saying “fine.. we don’t have to go.. ” and what not — essentially guilt tripping me. I always want you to be happy and you should know that already. Maybe I’m too nice, so I lighten up the mood and tell you “No, we can go. I need this too or I wouldn’t be able to study.” We ended up being in Hollywood until around 10pm and didn’t return to Long Beach until nearly 12-1am. I was enjoying my time with you, but at the back of my mind, I kept worrying about not having the maximum amount of studying time.
On Saturday, I had a photoshoot at USC and I asked if you wanted to come along. You didn’t have to, but you decided to go anyway and for that, I honestly felt like I had to make you feel comfortable during the 2 hours that I was shooting. You then told me you were hungry, so I tried to make you happy by saying we can get food that you liked, and Pink’s Hotdogs was one of those ideas. You seemed so happy and excited when I suggested Pink’s so right after the shoot, we headed for Pinks. It was the opposite way from home, but I love seeing you happy and excited for something — not to mention it was my first time too. We get to pinks and order a hotdog, then head back. You had asked me to make you tacos for dinner, so I had to make a detour to a Mexican market to buy you carne asada meat. I buy the meat and being with you just makes me happy, that for a few moments, I forgot about needing to study.
We get home and prepare to go to the library to study. We go to the library and find a table, but you started watching HIMYM — not studying. You’re sleepy, from eating too much candy or maybe you were just tired from the morning. Either way, I hand you my jacket so you can sleep on something. As you were sleeping, I wanted to clear my mind, so I decided to edit the photos from the shoot. Though about 1 hour later, you wake up from your nap and asked me to help cut your vocabulary flash cards with my knife, then to quiz you on your vocabulary flash cards. Just because I wasn’t working on my study guide doesn’t mean that the time spent on pictures could be spent on cutting flash cards for you.. but I like helping you so I suck it up and do it anyway. As I was trying to finish editing the pictures, you consistently loudly whispered to me telling me that you’re hungry with rapid repetition and ask me when I’ll be done. You tell me that we’ve been there nearly 3 hours and I could tell that you were getting impatient, so I told you I’m almost done (with the pictures.. and not my study guide.) As we were leaving I told you that I’ll just do the study guide at home, and you gave me an annoyed look on your face, so I made a correction. I then said I’ll just do the study guide at home after making you tacos — and you immediately lit up with smiles. We ride the campus courtesy shuttle to your car and head back home. You went to take a shower as I started cooking the meat, but as I was cooking it I realized that it wasn’t carne asada but rather just regular taco meat. Somewhere along the line of the beginning of the weekend, we went to the grocery store to buy food. You wanted tacos then too; so I bought ground beef, cilantro, salsa, and tortillas at Ralphs. You laughed at my efforts in trying to make tacos for you then, and you did again now. You actually gave me attitude as if you were the customer at a restaurant for my tacos not tasting as good as King Taco. I watched you suffer as you pretended that the tacos were even close to being “okay to eat” in your book. You just put on tons of salsa and hot sauce to cover the taste.
After eating, you told me that you were going to bed and I said that I was going to stay up to study. You then started walking around the house, possibly getting ready for bed.. then you walked up next to me as I was sitting at the kitchen table and you stayed there. I had a feeling you wanted me to come to bed with you as it was getting late, because you didn’t leave after you came by and stood next to me — I also had a feeling that you wanted me to just go to bed with you in general. So I stood up and told you that I was going to take a nap with you so you can fall asleep easier.
(Sunday) I had set my alarm for 1 hour, but it didn’t sound and I woke up at 4:45am when you got up to get water from the kitchen. You told me that I should just go to sleep because it’s almost morning anyway. So as we were getting settled in, I asked you, “We’re not going out tomorrow right? We’re just going to stay home and study?” and you replied, “mhm.” My mind was at ease and I fell fast asleep. My alarm went off at 7am, and I wanted to get out of bed, but you insisted that it was too early and you were going to sleep in so you can be wide awake and have your brain fully rested when you study. You had me stay in bed with you too, but at around 11am, I decided to get up out of bed to start studying. You woke up shortly after and decided to cut the cat’s nails. It would’ve been fine, until somehow it ended up being me helping you hold the cat down so you can cut her nails and my study guide was yet again left alone. After cutting the cat’s nails — or more so that you gave up on the last few nails, you told me that you were hungry and you said “Let’s get King Taco!” with a huge smile. I told you that I didn’t want any and I didn’t really want to go out again (remembering what I said in the morning) to eat. We were constantly going out of the house to get food which eventually led to other things.
You got irritated and annoyed at me asking me how is spending 20 minutes getting tacos any different from spending 3 hours on editing pictures. At that time I wasn’t sure if I should be offended after trying to make you happy by making you tacos, yet you made fun of me twice, and still insisting on getting King Taco the 3rd day — or if you thought that I was just wasting my time trying to avoid doing my study guides. You then said “whatever, I’m going to bed.. hungry.” and I asked if you were serious — and you were. As I said time and time again, I hated seeing you upset, even if rationally speaking what you were upset about was really stupid, so I got dressed and went out to buy you King Taco myself. I came back, woke you up and gave you your tacos and you immediately became happy again. Kissing me and hugging me as if I did the best thing in the world. I could see that my tacos were no match and you made no effort in hiding that you didn’t like them either.
After eating the tacos, I was working on my study guide again and you sat at the chair next to me sucking on a push pop, very loudly. I don’t know if you were doing it on purpose or if you just didn’t realize how loud it was. I was trying to finish the pictures, when the person who hired me to take the pictures messaged me on facebook asking me if the pictures were done. I said “I don’t have time for this.” and closed facebook and you said, “ya think?” — while still sucking on your push pop. I guess I was getting too comfortable with you or I just liked you a lot and trusted you, or all the same and I told you that I couldn’t concentrate and I was getting annoyed. You asked me why. I thought about it and tried to explain, (as you were still sucking on your push pop super loudly) and I just said “I don’t know. I’m just annoyed, annoyed, agitated, annoyed, and I can’t think. Please don’t ask me why.” and you did it again. You asked me why. I looked at you and I said, “are you serious? I just told you not to ask me why.” and it’s like you were doing it on purpose and you asked me why again.
It honestly felt like a billion things was distracting me at once and all I wanted to do was have peace and quiet so I can start studying, so I clenched my teeth, ignored you and stared blankly at my computer. I guess you got the message so you left and went to my room, slamming the divider loudly. A couple minutes later, I hear you watching HIMYM on netflix super loudly, and laught out loud as well. I decided to message you on facebook saying (it’s essentially the same thing I said so far):
I don’t care what you think of this situation for finals week, but there is a tremendous amount of stress on my shoulders. It’s far from something to joke around about.
You’re sitting in my room laughing out loud to ‘How I Met Your Mother’ while I’m in the kitchen trying to focus on my finals’ study guide for my final tomorrow. Sure you can say that “well you had all that time to study the two previous days”, but it’s really difficult for me to focus — and when I actually want to focus, you don’t even take me seriously.
On Friday evening, we could have studied, but you made it obvious that you wanted to spend time in Hollywood to let off some steam so you can focus better when studying. My work load is far greater than yours and I just wish you could have a tad bit of understanding of what I’m going through. Yesterday, I had an inevitable PAID photoshoot at UCLA, you didn’t have to go, but you came anyway. Because of the fact you came along, I thank you, but at the same time I also had to take care of you (which isn’t a problem usually) except I felt obligated to make you happy (which is a given), by going to Pink’s hotdogs. After Pink’s we went to get carne asada meat.. which is for you again. I was fine with hamburger ground beef tacos, except it wasn’t good enough for you — and you made it extremely obvious without any consideration to how I would feel.
We finally get home, have sex and another hour or so goes by. No problem there since we probably had sexual frustration or what not. We get to the library and what was on my mind was getting done with the pictures so I didn’t have to worry about them later in the week during my other finals. If I hadn’t finished the pictures, I would have to deal with people asking me if they’re done and it’ll always be something at the back of my mind until it’s finished; Though you didn’t see it that way I guess. You finished your work early, but like I said, my workload is much more than yours so in no way should it be compared. Working on a PAID shoot’s pictures is not a waste of my time, it’s something I have to get done. You slept most of the time yet you still were able to get things done, because a freshman’s finals week is far easier than a graduating senior’s finals week.
When we get home, I make you tacos with the meat I bought earlier in the day, but they’re still not good enough for you. I feel that you have this super high standard for me or something and the work that I put into making you happy (or that need for tacos) is overlooked if it’s unsatisfactory to your tastes. You thank me, but in your thanks there’s always a small insult here and there.
Then you say that you’re going to bed, but you hang around me so I guess I’ll just take a nap with you until later so I can wake up and study when you’re asleep. I ask you right before going to bed, that “We’re going to stay indoors all day tomorrow right?” and you calmly reply, “mhm.” I slept calm knowing I can study tomorrow morning.
This morning, you wake up trying to cut Dolly’s nails. Then you insist on going to King Taco since my twice attempt of making you tacos has failed. You actually got mad at me for not wanting to go with you. I was just finalizing the images, but you say to me “what’s the difference of ‘wasting time on pictures’ and ‘spending 20 minutes to get king taco’?” The difference is that the pictures I have to get done no matter what. King taco? I wasn’t even hungry, but you just wanted me to go with you. Then you throw a fit at me saying you’re going back to bed hungry to “sleep the hunger away”, when there’s food in the fridge — only you just didn’t want to eat it.
So I spend that 20 or so minutes driving myself to King Taco just to get you a shit load of tacos so you can finally smile. But I get the news that my big won’t even be there to stole me and I need someone to present the stole for me (and no one’s willing to do it), that’s another added stress. Then shortly after, the guy who’s friends with the girls whom I took pictures of at USC messages me on facebook asking for who knows what with you sitting a few inches from me loudly sucking on that push pop. It was getting extremely irritating, aggravating, bothersome, annoying, etc. I couldn’t focus — but I really wanted to focus.
I calmly tell you that I really need to focus and I can’t deal with all this shit right now and you sarcastically tell me ,”Ya think?” (that didn’t help.) Then I tell you that I’m really annoyed.. like really really annoyed (while you’re still sucking on your push pop) and you ask “why?”. I explain to you that I just can’t think and you still loudly suck on your push pop. I ask you to please not ask me why, and immediately after, you say “why?” again.
Are you purposely trying to annoy me? How is that even remotely amusing to you that my head is about to explode from the amount of stress I’m feeling right now? Then you ask me “why?” again. I ask if you’re serious and you actually answer “yes.”
I take a deep breath screaming at the top of my lungs in my head because I just need to focus so I can do well in my last stretch for college, but the person I care most about at this moment is toying with me..
Then you leave with an attitude and play “How I Met Your Mother” at a high volume laughing loudly in my room.
I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel apologetic for this situation, but I really can’t deal with anything besides simple support right now. If only you understood how I felt, that would be the greatest help. Not spending more time going out to get food, not watching a movie together, not anything but just knowing I can have peace and quiet to study with someone to hug and kiss when I need a break.
I assume you saw the facebook message, so you slammed the center divider of the room closed. You turned down the volume to your laptop and it was silent for a while. About half an hour later, I begin hearing noises again and one of those noises was your gradually increasing rock/”suicidal” music for a good hour or so then silence. I assume you were taking a nap or you finally decided to study, so I took a dexadrine and went to work. About 4-5 hours later, I go to my room, because I figured there was tension between you and I. I didn’t want that tension, so I went to you and you were giving me the cold shoulder. You said nothing’s wrong, but you acted like everything was wrong. You got out your study material as if preparing to study, then paused for a moment and started packing everything up. You told me you wanted to go back to the dorms because.. “you wanted to go back to the dorms”. I sensed something was wrong, but you asked me to help you carry your stuff out to the car on the street. After loading the car, you gave me a weak, loose hug and drove off.
After about an hour or so, I get a facebook message from you saying that you left your phone at my house. You also asked me to bring you some tacos because you had forgotten that the dorm’s dining hall closed early on Sunday. I brought your phone and packed you your “favorite foods”: apple juice, sliced mangos, two chocolate chip cookies, and King Tacos. You were smiling and you gave me a hug. I went home and told you that I was going to the library again because I was going to study with a classmate for a final on Monday. You asked me if I wanted you to pick me up and I asked “Only if you want to” (because I wasn’t very keen on riding my bike late at night to the library), and you replied “uhh yes, I do”. So you came by and picked me up and we went to the library.
For the first 15-20 minutes I was looking for my friend and my phone had stopped working. I then realized that the classmate that I was going to study with decided to leave, and the other classmate hadn’t gotten anything done. We decided to study a little longer on our own at the library, but got hungry so we got del taco. On our way, you asked if I was going to your place or if I just wanted to be dropped of. I asked you and you said of course you wanted me to go to your place, so we headed to the del taco near your dorms.
After getting tacos, we headed back to your dorms and ate there. I took a shower beforehand so I was drying off. Then you asked me to sleep over and I told you that I had a final the next morning at 8am. You said that you could drive me to school, so I agreed. I set my alarm to 7:15am, and you told me to turn off my alarm because apparently my alarm wakes everyone up in the dorms, and instead you set your alarm which was a quiet vibrate.
In the morning, I shot up thinking I was late for my final, but it was only 6:33. I went to bed and asked you in assurance that your alarm will go off at 7:15. Then you woke up and looked at the clock and looked at me saying that it’s 8am. I wasn’t dressed and we still had to drive to school.. I got dressed but you were still laying in bed rubbing your eyes yawning. I don’t know if you don’t care about my finals or if you were too sleepy to realize what was going on, but I was late for my final! I asked if I could drive and you sighed, pointing at your car keys. I forgot my charger in your room as I was exiting your dorm room and asked you to get it for me, as I got the car. When I got the car, I parked right outside the door and watched you take your time walking to the car.. the clock said 8:09am. I was nearly 10 minutes late for my final and we still haven’t driven to school yet.
I facebook messaged you after (but this is basically what happened. I’ve been typing at this thing for about 2 hours now.):
good morning babe.
i’m sorry about earlier.
i felt like i was in heaven for the few hours we slept together.. everything seemed so calm and normal again.
but then i was late and I needed my laptop — and all of a sudden all my stress and worries just came rushing back.
i spoke to my teacher about my laptop shortly after i ran back inside and she let me go home first. i ran back out hoping you were still there but you left, so i ran all the way home like a little boy. the gates didn’t work because of the recent electricity problems so that stressed me out too (but like you said, it’s something i shouldn’t stress about especially if it’s out of my control). i finally found a way in, and got my laptop and made it back to the final in time to pass and get my cpr certification
we finished early.. so now i’m just sitting in an empty classroom (about 1 hour early) for my next final.
i know your final is starting in about 20 minutes, so please don’t stress out about me and put me at the back of your mind. you’re a born genius who’s beautiful inside and out. kick that final’s ass! but in the case you do need some luck, good luck!
Essentially, because I didn’t go home and I didn’t bring my laptop to the library the previous night, I didn’t have my laptop so I was super worried.
As I was studying for my final on Monday that afternoon, you called me asking me if I was hungry. I was, so we agreed on getting something you like to eat.. Corner Bakery. You then took me to the student health services center for my 3:30 appointment and waited for about 50 minutes for my check up. I could see and feel that you were impatient and I apologize for that. I didn’t have my bicycle with me, so it would be difficult for me to get back to the library if I’m spending time walking back to the library. Though now that I think of it, you really didn’t have to wait for me.. so thank you.
As you were driving me back up campus to the library, I couldn’t help but sense something was wrong. I guess that’s when you already decided that didn’t prioritize the things in my life. You were acting extremely cold, and refused to give me a kiss as I was leaving the car, or maybe I was just too clingy. I left and you drove off.. and that was the last I heard from you until I decided to call you this morning.
I wanted to talk to you so I called, pretending to ask you for your opinion on whether or not i should study with classmates for my statistics class. Then I asked if you wanted to just talk, but I had the impression that talking to me was the last thing you wanted, from the tone of your voice. Perhaps I think to much. I went to study with my classmates, only to find that I had wasted my time going to the library, because most of my classmates knew even less than I did about the subject. I decided to go home and mail out some things. I remembered that the post office was next to Deli News, and you liked pizza. It was also almost 5pm, your usual “dinner time”, so I called you a little before that, asking you if you wanted pizza. You agreed so I got pizza and went to your dorms.
I don’t mind this, but I missed you quite a lot. Maybe too much. Maybe I should care less about you. Anyway, I told you that I missed you and you just said, “okay.” We had pizza and a beer, but something was still off. You were still treating me differently and then you told me to leave. As I was leaving, you asked when I was going to go back to studying because you wanted to talk. I regret agreeing to this “talk” with you because now I can’t focus on studying at all since I want to resolve this issue (it’s bothering me a lot, if you can’t tell from this super long ass post).
You told me that I don’t know how to prioritize and that we’re very different. I sensed that you were going to the “we’re nothing alike, so we shouldn’t be together” mentality and I tried explaining to you that I was only trying to make you happy. But maybe you’re right.. my prioritizing is a little off, because I was prioritizing to you first, then school. I care a lot about how you feel and if you’re happy or not. But you took my explanation as blaming you for not being able to study when I was merely telling you that it’s not your fault that I couldn’t study, I just care so much about you that I lost tack of what should be my priority. It’s essentially the same thing, but I don’t mean it in the negative way you’re saying it is.
Then you told me something I told you a few months ago, something that I hated hearing from people I care about, especially my dad. I don’t know if you remember our talk in the Rascal’s parking lot, but he essentially gave up on me. I hate it when people give up on me. I know you were just watching out for me but you feel that you watching out for me just ends up backfiring, but it didn’t. I just felt like you were blaming me and telling me that we can’t work out, when all I was trying to do was to make you happy (which seemed to have backfired on me as well). You told me, “Whatever, you must know what works for you so do whatever you want. I don’t care anymore.”
Some random guy sits at the bench next to us and lights a cigarette, so you pulled me up telling me that we should go talk somewhere else.
I ask you if you want to talk in the car, and you tell me that you had to use the restroom. I was frustrated at that time and a little intoxicated from the beer I guess (if that makes a valid excuse) and I asked “Should I just leave then?” as I looked at my car. And without looking back, rapidly walking away, you said, “Do whatever you want, I don’t care.”
I guess that last line just “set me off” (if that’s the right way to say it), so I got into my car and left. It didn’t seem to me that you wanted to talk and you told me you didn’t care about what I did anymore anyway, so what’s the point of sticking around? I was just wasting your time that you could be using to study.
As I was approaching my house, I started thinking of all these things to say to you (primarily assuming you still don’t understand what I’m trying to say), and you called me yelling, “DID YOU JUST FUCKING LEAVE?” and I replied,”YES.” So you said, “whatever..” and hung up on me. I was deeply hurt because I was recalling this past weekend trying to match up with what you said about me not being able to prioritize my life and all I could think of was that most of the time was spent on you.. and the time I didn’t spend on you (and not studying).. was considered a “waste of time”. I decided to call you back to tell you how I felt, but you didn’t pick up, so I left you a voicemail, telling you how I felt. That was probably a mistake though since I feel that this all started with me telling you how I constantly felt. Because I was comfortable around you, because I trusted you with my thoughts and feelings.
I never needed someone to solve my problems or stress, I just needed someone to understand what goes through my mind in a day, and just be there. You hate it when I tell you what to do, but ultimately I trust you with your choices, believing that you know what’s best for you. I wanted the same respect, but nothing even close to you saying “do whatever you want, I don’t care.”